Meditation on Hindu Vivaha Samskara: Yoga Dharma (Marriage?) and Grihastha Ashrama Dharma (Married Life?)

It is interesting to see that in the modern world of prevailing ignorance, confusions, conflicts and blind consumerism, we are in constant search of human relationships that could provide us a sense of togetherness, security, happiness, love, and a peace of mind.  Among the multitude of human relationships, ‘marriage’ is perhaps the most important one, and the one that is normally pursued by both males and females. In the Vedic (Hindu) traditions the term Vivaha Samskara-Yoga Dharma is the correct one with built-in multidimensional meanings, while the terms, “marriage” or “wedding” connotes primarily the legal union.

In the present article an attempt is made to weave together various conceptual elements and ideas for addressing the central issues behind the institution of marriage. This attempt is based upon my experiences through the Vedic wisdom, contemporary traditions, and personal realization. The exposition is kept simple and brief, and the rigorous philosophical and logical arguments have been ignored. The details about the nuptial rituals and ceremonies have also been ignored.

What is marriage?

The Oxford dictionary defines it as, “the legal union of a man and a woman to live together and often to have children.”  Some others say, “It is a social institution that provides a vehicle for companionship between male and female.” 

In fact, one can find hundreds of definitions and meanings of marriage which are primarily based upon individual’s experiences and perceptions born out of their own marriage.  Let us examine this ‘marriage institution’ from Vedic perspective. 

Vedic perspective

The Taittriya Brahmana says, “He, indeed, is without Yagna who has got no wife,” and, “He is himself a half man, the second half is wife.”

Before we can ponder upon the notion of ‘union between male and female’, we have to first understand and allow ourselves to experience who we really are and what we can expect to achieve in this world.

Who are we?

The individual human being (male or female) is a composite entity consisting of Atman (Purusha, a non-material entity) and Sarira (material body).  The Atman is unchanging, undecaying, all pervading, eternal and blissful.  It is also a part and parcel of Parmatman (Purushottama, Brahman, Bhagavan).  This Atman-the eternal and transcendental reality- with its own effulgence is clothed by the material body.  The material body, by its very nature is ever mutable: goes through birth, growth, sustenance, transformation, decay and death. Thus, the human personality is understood to be the most wonderful, multidimensional, and utterly complex entity.  It is full of manifold mental attitudes and instincts, ranging from dark ignorance, impurity, and delusion to bright knowledge, purity, and truthfulness.  The entire spectrum of the human being’s, intellect, mental make-up, and behavior can be understood, in the broadest sense, through the following modes of human nature. These modes are essentially characterized as the primary fields of forces behind the worldly existence, and they contain several mutually independent as well as interacting elements. These modes are:

• Sattva mode: The primary characteristics include knowledge, wisdom, purity, non-violence, compassion, truthfulness, austerity, love and devotion, etc.
• Rajas mode: The primary characteristics include passion, anger, enviousness, hate, lust, greed, violence, conflict, confusions, and blind consumerism, etc.
• Tamas mode: The primary characteristics include ignorance, darkness, impurity, delusion, and other attitudes that are opposite to the Sattvic mode.

Every human being, male or female, has all these modes present within, however, their relative proportions, degree, and quality may vary from one individual to another.  For example, some may have a higher degree of truthfulness than others; some may have a deeper sense of love than others; and some may have a greater degree of anger and lust than others.  Every individual has been endowed with a creative power to be able to move from a Tamasic mode of existence to the Sattvic mode, and even to transcend them or go beyond the above modes of material nature into the realm of the eternal joy and bliss of Atmananda.  The sexual and gender differences between male and female do create some distinctiveness in their respective attitudes, worldly interests, and behavior; however, they remain situated within the above modes of material nature.

The meaning and purpose of living

Human beings have a great variety of needs such as the physical, material, social, intellectual, and adhyatmic.  Our multidimensional innate nature within individualized mental and psychic fields creates a wide variety of desires, dreams, and aspirations.  The desires for good health and wealth, for companionship, and for sensual and sexual pleasures are some of the universal desires that are normally pursued in this world.  These desires and the activities associated with them have been linked together with the purpose of life through a concept called Purushartha.  It has the following four primary categories, which are also characterized as the fields consisting of various elements:

• Adhyatma Dharma Kshetra: The primary characteristics include ethical, moral and adhyatmic duties relating to individual, family, social, national, international, and cosmic levels.
• Kama-Dharma Kshetra: The primary characteristics include sensual and sexual desires, aspirations, and longings of various kinds.
• Artha-Dharma Kshetra: The primary elements include wealth and all material possessions.
• Moksha-Dharma Kshetra: The supreme goal of life; the state of Bliss and Brahman, and pure consciousness; liberation from the transmigration of the conditioned or trapped Self; being situated within the Godhead; the state of complete freedom, the freedom from the binding and suffering and the limitations caused by the modes of material nature.

The above categories are neither fully independent from one another nor can they be rigidly compartmentalized within the realm of worldly activities. In fact, all the worldly activities performed through intellect, mind, speech, and other means, as well as the real actions relating to the fields of Kama and Artha need to be regulated and controlled by the appropriate dharmic elements before one can hope to achieve the state of Moksha. 

Parampurushartha

This ultimate goal is recognized even beyond the state of Moksha. This supra-state of transcendental bliss known as the ‘Gopiprema-Bhava’ allows the liberated Beings to enjoy the transcendental pure loving relationship, or unalloyed Parabhakti, or Rasomaya relationship even here on this earth with the Supreme Personality of Godhead, Krishna.

Kama-Dharma kshetra is referred to one of our key desires that instigates and motivates us toward enjoying the sense objects including sexual pleasures. Our eyes are tempted to see the most beautiful; our ears want to hear the most pleasurable sounds and vibrations; the tongue goes for delicious foods and drinks; the sense of smell wants to enjoy the most aromatic, and the sense of touch wants to touch and embrace something or someone so attractive.  If our senses, driven by intense desires, are allowed to carry on their tasks freely, without any self-imposed controls, guidance, or regulations, the human beings are sure to face various undesirable consequences, which include:

• Continuous risk for the body and mind to get inflicted with various types of physical and mental disorders causing pain, suffering, and disease;
• Growth of various evils on individual, social, national, and world levels; and
• Creation of further bondage into the world process with a diminishing hope for a real freedom from the material entanglements.

Therefore, the only way that one can fully enjoy sensual pleasures, live a life of creativity and secure a better chance of moving on to higher planes of joy and satisfaction is to regulate and control all the impulses of desires through the modes of Dharma. And this particular mode of Dharma requires one to carryout a sacred union with an opposite sex through a samskara called Vivaha Samskara-Yoga, and to get situated in the sacred space known as Grihastha Ashram.

The Institution of Marriage (Grihastha Ashram)

The following diagram is designed to bring out the essential meanings and purpose behind a married life.

The union of an entity A with another entity B gives rise not to a simple summation of A and B but to a composite institution known as Grihastha Ashram ‘C’ (a family), with its own identity.  The united individuals through a yogic process are embedded within this sacred Ashram, in which the couple (Dampati) is expected to become engaged in a new creative life. Within this consciously created sacred space the married couple can and must explore and experience the depth of all the physical, material, intellectual, social and adhyatmic dimensions of their own individual personalities, and at the same time must prepare themselves towards a journey of yet uncharted grounds of married life.  This creative life of a couple must be based upon the common and shared meaning of life and goals. These goals must conform to the universal goals, which can be none other than the achievements of a joy-full celebration of an individual life as well as married life through the guiding forces of Purusartha discussed above. This joy-full celebration of married life also demands positive contributions toward the environmental and ecological purity and harmony of the entire natural world.

In order to achieve the above required state of living, the couple should prepare themselves from the very beginning to gradually merge in the sacred space ‘C’. Then both the husband and wife must work together to bring out from this greater whole all the noble meanings and the goals of adhyatmic living.  This act of radical transformation when ‘I’ becomes ‘We’ still allows the individual to remain content with his, or her own essential identity yet at the same time helps them to achieve a true harmony not only with one another but with the global space ‘D’ as well. Within the above state of harmonious state of Grihastha Ashram, the married couple can and must strive to achieve true love, peace and finally the blissful state called Atmananda, or Brahmananda, or Prema-Bhakti.  If this does not happen, then the full potential of married life cannot be realized. In fact this complex dynamics of exploration, transformation and interiorization can become the most beautiful and wonderful experience of the married life, provided the married couple is determined to converge together toward the final goal of life which can and must not be less than the achievement of the transcendental experience of Atmananda, or Paramatmananda.

Grihastha Ashrama: Life, its trials and tribulations, and process of transformation

Many conflicts and confusions do arise in household life.   These should be viewed as the good opportunities for critical self-examination and renewal of initial commitment to eternal union, rather than an excuse for untimely separation. If the desirable compatibility (physical, mental, social, economical, cultural, adhyatmic, etc.)  between the male and female is good, the likelihood of a successful, long married life is better, which also means that the subsets ‘A’ and ‘B’ have more overlapping personalities with common understanding, shared dreams, meaning and goals of life. The overlapping area in the above diagram should gradually become larger and larger, meaning thereby a gradual convergence toward a peaceful, creative married life. For achieving such a convergence, the following attitudes and ideas should foster a path for a long, loving married life:

Both the members situated within the sacred boundary of the Grihastha Ashram must have common purpose and goals of life, called the Grihastha Ashrama Dharma, and both must agree to go through radical transformation to achieve these common goals.

• The actual living (through thoughts, language and actions) must be based upon the Adhyatmic dimensions of life.
• The relationship between husband and wife must primarily be based upon the sense of ‘duties’, and not on the notion of ‘rights’ because the ‘rights’ themselves originate from the field of duties. In fact, all the necessary rights must find their ground within the realms of the Dharmas of married life, of family, of society and of the world.
• The married life must be lived to foster both continuity and the innovations to the noble family, cultural, and adhyatmic traditions.
• Both must strive to gradually overcome the Tamas and Rajas modes of their own nature, and to move toward the Sattvic mode of existence. This means that the bad habits like greed, lust, anger, hate, untruthfulness, violence, intoxication, non-vegetarian eating etc. must be overcome before one can really experience the hidden beauty and love of a Sattvic married life.
• Both of them must be ready to make compromises and willing sacrifices to maintain and strengthen the life-long bond so that they can potentially experience the deepest levels of love and peace, positive creativity and service attitude toward society, toward country, toward all beings, and the natural world.

The Vivaha Samskara Yoga is a union of the fittest couple

It is a firm and lifelong companionship. Traditionally in the night, the groom shows to the bride the Pole Star Dhruwatara with the verse, “Firm art thou; I see thee the firm one.  Firm be thou with me, O thriving one.  To me the lord Brahaspati has given thee obtaining offspring through me thy husband; live with me a hundred autumns” The husband prays to the goddess Saraswati to protect this marriage:

“Saraswati, O gracious one, bountiful one, thou who will sing first of all that is; in whom, what is, as been born; in whom this whole world dwells-that song I will sing today, which will be highest glory of women.”

(The Parashara Grahyasutra)

The Vivaha Samskara is a new, eternal bond between the bride and groom.

Both the husband and wife must move together to keep each other happy and healthy and at the same time to move closer to the common goals, which can be none other than experience of the sublime, of joy, of peace, and finally of the Atma-Paramatmananda. The marriage is also a new and everlasting bond between the two families, two family traditions, and two cultures.

The Vivaha Samskara is for procreation, and not for recreation.

The husband and the wife are expected to generate a world of their own, and beget illustrious children; educate them, train them, and give them noble samskara, a so that they can carry on the noblest family traditions, Vedic traditions, and provide a link with eternity.

The Vivaha Samskara is also a crisis.

It is not for pleasure only, but it invites essential difficulties so that one can explore the deepest trials and tribulations of human personality and mutual relationships as well as of relationship with in-laws and others. The crisis must be averted and transcended. The married couple can and must take all the help from those who are near and dear to them including prayers to Parmatman, Bhagawan. The married love with all its deepest levels should be experienced, but with self-restraint, and should never be controlled by blind passion.  Marriage acquires its true meaning and reaches perfection only when the conjugal relationship is based on the realization that marriage is a willing sacrifice for the good of the partner, the family, the society, and the world.

In essence the Vivaha Samskara is not a social contract in the modern sense of term, but a Dharmic institution.

The husband and the wife are responsible not only to one another, but also there are obliged toward the Rishis, fathers, and the entire world. The Vedas emphatically declare that ‘the whole world is one family’.

The newly married couple must create a world of their own, through cultural continuity and innovations. The bodily attractions and desires for sensual pleasures between an unmarried boy and girl alone cannot become the guiding principles for sacred union. The worldly pleasures can be sought within wider horizons of moral duties, adhyatmic duties and the purity of sattvic love; otherwise, the pleasure principle has a strong potential of leading the married couple toward dissatisfaction, conflicts, miseries, break-up and material bondage. 

Arranged marriage, or Knowledge-based marriage

The term ‘arranged marriage’ as it is understood and practiced by many of us today, is to a large extent a misnomer and corrupted version of the Vedic idea. In fact, those who are most ignorant about the sense and purport behind the Vivah Samskara-Yoga have coined this term. Among the various positive and negative injunctions laid down by our Rishis, the notion of how to achieve a long, lasting, and a creatively sattvic married life is of great importance. Therefore, it becomes necessary to maximize compatibility (in a probabilistic sense) between a potential male candidate and a female candidate. Here the term compatibility includes physical, mental, intellectual, and adhyatmic characteristics of both the male and female. Both of them must have, for example, good health, good education, good qualities, and good character. Since some of these required characteristics may not be easily visible, which can also change in positive or negative ways over time, the knowledge about family traditions and samskars becomes a key informational element in the search for a better match. Consequently, all the relevant information needs to be gathered from all the potential sources, which may include immediate family members, distant family members, friends, and others. The opinions from the potential male and female candidates about their dreams and aspirations must also be sought; however, the passion and physical attraction alone cannot outweigh other elements including good family and cultural traditions.

In this search of a suitable match both the parties must not loose the sight of the fact that the Vivaha Samskara-Yoga binds not only the bride and groom together, but also both the families, traditions, and cultures for several generations to come. A mundane married living is simply a waste of very precious human life.

Love marriage, or passion marriage

The term ‘love marriage’ as it is understood and mostly practiced today is to a large extent a misnomer. It should really be called a ‘passion marriage or passion-lust marriage’. The initial attractions bodily and others are primarily the forces of passion born out of the universal field of Kama. In the modern Hi-Tech world of cyber-space, the present social upbringing of kids is being guided primarily by the New Gurus which come from today’s mass-media culture through various means (print-media, audio-video media, TV-media, internet media, etc.), and they rarely provide an understanding about meaning and purpose of self-discipline, adhyatmic living and sattvic modes of relationships. Even the boundaries between the notion of good and bad are being blurred. Every kind of action is just a fun, and for fun. The so-called ‘love’ is nothing but a commodity, which can be bought or sold around a corner of a street. There is a very little awareness of the fact that the true love, which is essentially hidden within the depths of the Sattvic mode of our nature, could be found and experienced only after one has gone through the phases of compromises, self-discipline, and sacrifice of the bad habits born out of the fields of the Rajas and Tamas modes, for the sake of the partner, family and the society at large.

If one can look carefully at the development of the modern practices of dating, one cannot fail to notice that a simple act of meeting between a male and female just to know each other better has grown into a living-together tradition while still unmarried. The consequences of the living-together trap, based on a recent study as stated below, are sufficient to illustrate the failure of the passion-lust-greed-driven search for a perfect match under the guise of ‘love’.

Couples who lived together before marriage divorce at a higher rate than those who did not.

Most men in a live-in relationship are not monogamous, and women, too, have their extra-live-in affairs.

Exchanging love for debt and becoming entwined in each other’s financial woes prevents the easy escape one might seek down the road.

(The Living Together Trap, by Rosanne Rosen, 1993)

Warnings

• The so-called love marriage may be a total failure when the ‘love’ itself may be passion-lust-greed driven and is under no guidance and control through the participation of respective good family traditions and cultures.  The majority of us can easily fall prey to the powerful forces of the sensual and sexual gratification. So, one of the best safeguards against such potential hazards is to keep ourselves away from such potential situations till we acquire a strong sense of self-discipline and control.

• On the other hand, the so-called arranged marriage will be a total failure if those involved, and deeply concerned about building “the sacred Dharma institutions” live under the spell of ignorance and darkness and ignore willingly or unwillingly the guidelines and injunctions of our Vedic Rishis.

An appeal to parents

The author of this article appeals most humbly to all of you to kindly come forward as individual and/or collective learning of Vedic wisdom about the art and science of great living.  The sharing of our own experiences with one another, and the integrating them with the experiences of our Great Rishis can be a truly transforming experience- a necessity for a better future for all of us, and for future generations to come.  Do we want to become a ‘Beacon of Hope’?

An appeal to teenagers and other youngsters

I most humbly appeal to all of you to kindly come forward with your respectful, open and inquisitive minds to learn together the pristine wisdom of the Vedic Rishis.  Learning about the art and science of great living cannot be ignored for long without paying a heavy price that many of us may not be ready for. This is a real challenge to all of us to not let ourselves flow with the mainstream of misguided modernity under the spell of ignorance and darkness.  Are we courageous enough to take up this challenge?

An appeal to all

Please do not call the Vedic Vivaha Samskara-Yoga an ‘arranged marriage’. This terminology is fundamentally flawed and wrong, and continuous use of it creates a high degree of corruption and uprooting of the original intent and meaning and practices behind Vivaha Samskara- Yoga Dharma.